We often feel justified in our actions as people, especially in doing what we feel will make us happy, and think we know all that may come of our actions. We feel we can accept the ramifications of said actions and cannot possibly be worse off because of them.
It is only when you wake up at 3 AM and everything in your life hits you that you understand that you do not really understand anything. It is only at that time that the conscious and subconscious decisions of your life hit you in such a way that you start to unravel and your existence is turtoure that you understand what it means to be alive.
Writing this, I feel the need to block out suicidal thoughts. There is no one here but me and all my problems. There is no one here but me and my problems. Everything in my mind is in turmoil with, certain parts of working to make me happy while, others conspire against that happiness. What is this nonsense? What does it all mean? Would it be easier if I had some kind of faith of a happy ending or higher entity?
Again, I cannot know. I can only speculate on what it is all pointing to. My back is against that wall and I’m running out of options. Major changes have to arise in my life at this point because I just can’t live my life like this. I’m strangled by all my own indiscretions, some individual, some not so individual.
Emotionally, I’m out of it. Logically, my head is in a mist. For I cannot see truth, I cannot see what right is amiss and, seeing no options, I’m open to making mistakes about the path I should take. I see the pretentious happiness we cultivate, I see the pain in people’s eyes because of their respective mistakes. I see the pain of uncontrollable scenarios, the fear of the unknown that can never be outgrown and, the fear that fear is something you’ll never be able to run through.
So courage is necessary. It is necessary at every point in life. I can see very many point where I’ve lacked it, and of course it’s that tunnel vision so I can’t see the times when I’ve had it. It’s just the occasion.
I know how I want to feel. I know how I want to continue my life. I do not want to be depressed, anxious, unsure of what should be my own sexuality, my own place in the world. I want to define myself within my own paradigm, one in which the meaning of life is success. Success in terms of the material. Success in terms of the immaterial. Success in terms of courage.